Complaining About Pregnancy – Offensive or Normal?

After two previous high risk pregnancies, a traumatic birth with my second son which culminated in me needing a blood transfusion, and a new pregnancy which has been riddled with pain, bleeding and much stress, forgive me for needing to get something off my chest…

Coming from a family of five children, and all of my siblings have children by age 21, I was under the assumption that having kids would be no big deal for me. So when I was diagnosed with PCOS and infertility at age 23, I was nearly destroyed. I was told that getting pregnant naturally would almost certainly never happen, and if I wanted to have any chance of getting pregnant at all, I should do it as soon as possible. My ex-husband and I took it to heart, and we began “trying” within the week. It didn’t last long, though. For many reasons that I won’t go into here, we were talked into waiting until our two year marriage was “more established” before going for it.

By age 25, though, I was starting to panic. I ended up on fertility medications to try and get my cycles regular, and I commiserated with my 40 year old co-worker who had been trying for years to get pregnant with no luck. We leaned on each other for support, and we both helped each other to not give up.

At age 26, I was told my best chance to help battle my PCOS and get things going was to lose a significant amount of weight. I had surgery and in a year, I lost well over 100 lbs. But unfortunately in that time, my ex-husband and I had come to the decision that we were no longer right for each other, and we decided to divorce. At that point, I lost all hope of ever having kids.

Age 28 - Blowing away all thoughts of children. I started smoking because I didn't care anymore.

Age 28 – Blowing away all thoughts of children. I started smoking because I didn’t care anymore.

About five months later, I met Mark, and we began seeing each other. On our first date, we discussed having kids, and we both admitted to the fantasy of having three kids – two boys and a girl. But I felt the need to tell him that I struggled with fertility and likely would not be able to have kids. He admitted that there had been a time in his previous marriage where they, too, had tried for a baby with no result. He thought he might be infertile, as well.

May 2010 - At Glastonbury, where I made a wish in the Goddess Temple that I would get pregnant. Didn't know I already was!

May 2010 – At Glastonbury, where I made a wish in the Goddess Temple that I would get pregnant. Didn’t know I already was!

You can imagine our surprise (and elation!) when we found out after 3.5 months together that we were pregnant. There were so many unexpected emotions in that first pregnancy. I was excited, obviously, but I was also scared out of my mind. We didn’t really know each other that well, and parenting is a big responsibility. I was struck with some pretty severe pre-natal depression. I self-harmed a lot. I was also struck down with many different medical issues and I spent a lot of time admitted to the hospital due to upsetting test results, hemorrhages and even going into labor at 32 weeks.

But it was all worth it when Pip came out perfect and healthy.

Feb 2011 - Baby Pip twelve days old.

Feb 2011 – Baby Pip twelve days old.

A year and a half later, I was pregnant again, and the experience was once again traumatic. I once again struggled with depression, but it wasn’t as severe. I did, however, experience hyperemesis gravidarum, a condition that saw me vomiting continuously throughout my entire pregnancy. I actually lost a lot of weight during the pregnancy because of it. I was struck with a terrible bacterial infection which was resistant to antibiotics and necessitated me being on some medicine that was VERY unsafe in pregnancy. I was once again high risk, and in the many many scans we had during the pregnancy, we were given a LOT of information that turned out not to be true. We were told our baby had a hole in his heart that may need to be operated on as soon as he was born. We were told he had a high risk of having Down Syndrome. We were told he was not thriving and would be very small and sickly.

Nov 2012 - 27 weeks pregnant with Baby Cheerio

Nov 2012 – 27 weeks pregnant with Baby Cheerio

Once again, I went into labor early and had to be put on blood pressure medicine to stop the constant contractions I was having. I also was put on bed rest for the last three months of the pregnancy. When I was about 6 weeks from my due date, I began itching terribly all over and having pains. It turned out I had Obstetric Cholestasis, which  caused me to itch unbearably. I had bloody scratches all over (especially my hands) and was driven insane by it. My doctor made the decision to do an emergency induction and have the baby early.

Giving birth to Cheerio

Giving birth to Cheerio

The birth itself was traumatic. It was incredibly painful, the epidural only half worked, and I was on oxygen. I remember VERY little of it, though the bits I do remember involve a lot of hemorrhaging, delivering my bag of waters in tact and an extremely quick birth that my doctor didn’t even make it to. Afterward, I had to have a blood transfusion because I was so severely anemic.

Getting a blood transfusion a few hours after Cheerio was born.

Getting a blood transfusion a few hours after Cheerio was born.

All in all, Cheerio was a perfectly healthy (if somewhat small) baby, and we were overjoyed. But there’s no doubt it was a rough pregnancy. Mark and I both actually agreed that we shouldn’t attempt any more children. It just wasn’t a good idea.  But time takes its toll on a memory, and though it had only been a year since Cheerio’s birth, I was getting broody again. Mark and I planned to wait until the end of this year before considering the possibility of getting pregnant, but life sneaks up on you sometimes, and here we are once again expecting.

This time around, though I am trying hard to think positively and take things in stride. It’s been difficult. I’ve been once again struck down with some severe morning sickness, and I’ve had some bleeds and a hell of a lot more pain than I’ve ever had before. I am worried and sick and tired and still having to look after two rambunctious toddlers, one of whom I am STILL breastfeeding.

I’m exhausted.

But every time I mention that I’m struggling, I am inundated with comments from people telling me to shut up because I’m being offensive to those who are trying to conceive. It turns out that I am not allowed to exude anything but joy and happiness because it’s not fair to those struggling with infertility. I keep being told, “If I could get pregnant, I would revel in the morning sickness and endure every pain with a smile on my face.”

Further, I’ve been accused by more than one woman of “rubbing it in [their] face” that I’m pregnant. I am told that I am selfish and bratty for daring to complain about the very real pain I feel. What gets me even more is that many of the women who have made these complaints against me already have at least one child themselves. Some of them have more.

And believe me, I get it. I get the pain of wanting a child and not being able to have one. I waited years. I felt hurt and betrayed by my own body. That I am so apparently fertile now shocks me as much as anyone. But I still remember what it was like to pine for a baby. But just because I am lucky enough to have children of my own does not in any way mean that I am not allowed to complain about the process of getting them.

If I am selfish for complaining about being pregnant, then so be it. No one more than I would like it if there was nothing for me to complain about. I expected pregnancy to be a glowing, happy time where I did nothing but admire my growing belly, enthuse in the every twitch of my fetus and delight in every stage of development. But for some of us, these nine months are a never-ending endurance test that only becomes worthwhile once the baby comes.

Feb 2014 - Our happy family having a blast

Feb 2014 – Our happy family having a blast

What say you? Is complaining about pregnancy offensive to those who struggle to get pregnant, or is is a normal part of the process and warranted in certain situations?

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Comments

  1. says

    I can totally relate. You are not being ungrateful or selfish, you are telling it like it is and you need a place to vent. I’m unexpectedly expecting my 4th child and am 14 weeks pregnant and have had severe morning sickness, I still have it. I’ve had to be admitted three times to the hospital I work 2 night shifts a week in to be rehydrated because of sickness. I am exhausted and now I have sciatica. I also have to inject anticoagulants every day because of a new protocol for some pregnant women. This means I have a belly all the colours of the rainbow because the injections cause bruises and they hurt. The joy never ends! I’ve made the decision not to blog about my pregnancy other than to announce it because I would always be moaning LOL Pregnancy is a blessing but can also be challenging, unpleasant and exhausting. We need to support each other through those times and empathise with each other. I struggled to conceive my previous three daughters and have had many miscarriages so can see both sides of the debate. Keep on blogging what you like when you like, people don’t have to read it and if they are going to moan then perhaps they should take a walk your shoes for a while, I guarantee they would moan a lot more!

    • says

      Thank you for this! I feel so divided about it all. On the one hand, I’ve dealt with infertility, miscarriage and the like, and I know the pain of it all. I used to be crushed when yet another friend took getting pregnant for granted. But we all have our own struggles, and I do feel like others could benefit from reading about whatever struggles I do have.

      I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I had HG in my last preg, and this one is shaping up to be just as bad. And the sciatic is a horrible thing to deal with! I am so glad I don’t have to inject anything, though. I feel for you!

      Definitely important to support each other rather than tearing each other down.

      Thanks so much. x

  2. Allie says

    I absolutely think you are not being selfish or snotty. THere are two sides to every story, and if the person reading your blog is particularly bitter about not having kids, they probably shouldn’t be reading it. If they choose to torment themselves, that is not your responsibility or problem. THe other thing, and this is very important, is that there are absolutely millions of young women who are having difficult pregnancies, and every pregnancy is different. Blogs like yours reinforce to other women that they are not crazy, the things they are feeling are real, and if they are not sure they should absolutely talk to their doctor. And I guarantee that somewhere out there is a young woman with no one to talk to about her pregnancy, and your blog might be the only support she gets. TO that one woman, you are a candle in the darkness. SO you keep shining your light just as long as you feel capable of shining it.

  3. says

    I understand the feelings on both sides of it. I too had trouble getting pregnant both last time and this time around. I remember how much it pained me to see everyone around me get pregnant simply by seemingly just thinking about it. But likewise, I know trouble with pregnancy, I know the sickness, I know the uncomfort, I know the pain. I would take it any day over not having the blessing of a child, but that doesn’t mean we have to grin and shut up when we are uncomfortable and in pain. It’s easy for someone else to say they would revel in the pain if it meant being pregnant, but they AREN’T going through it, so they really CAN’T say what they would do, only what they THINK they would do.

  4. says

    I think you are entirely in the right. It’s you body and if you’re hurting why should you just put on a brave face and grin and bare it. If people are being offended it tells you more about them than you. You are simple sharing your expericance on your blog. You aren’t rubbing being pregnant in anyone’s face and if those trying to get pregnant think its all sunshine and rainbows then they are the ones who really do need to read this. Pregnancy is hard, it takes a great toll on your body both physically and emotionally.

    Thank you for being strong and sharing your experiance, I have one little girl who is 13 months and I struggled badly with morning sickness, I lost nearly 2 stone in the first 4 months of pregnancy and had blood transfusions after her birth as I lost a lot of blood. Everyone struggles in different ways, people just need to remember that.

    Good luck in the rest of your pregnancy and I hope the pains ease and this time you deliver how you want to x

  5. says

    Oh God yeah, agree totally. I found it difficult to get pregnant and understand the yearning. but that didn’t stop me telling it how it is when I did finally conceive. We all have our challenges…

  6. says

    I don’t think complaining is offensive and nor do I think you’re complaining. I think that what you’e been through deserves to be recorded and I am sure that there are women out there who can relate or who can be helped by your words. That is not offensive, that is inspiring.
    Keep writing!
    x x x

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