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28 Weeks

28 Weeks

I haven’t updated about my pregnancy in a long while. The truth is that besides the stress of moving across the country and settling in to a new city, new house and new surroundings, there is a bigger reason for my reticence in posting about things.

In all honesty, there is a distinct lack of enthusiasm about this baby. I don’t mean that we don’t want him… of course we do. But I don’t feel the same with this pregnancy as I have in my past ones. I keep taking weekly photos of the bump in hopes of making it feel more exciting. Watching my body grow and change, feeling kick and somersault inside of me and knowing that soon we will be a family of five is indeed something positive to anticipate. But I can’t help but feel a little… unmoved by it all.

Part of it is certainly the thick cloud of depression I’ve been suffering for a fair few weeks. Part is hormones. A great deal of it is the SEVERE lack of sleep I’ve been suffering since moving here. Pregnancy insomnia is never easy, but this time it has taken a toll I never could have expected. I am utterly exhausted and feeling bitter and frustrated at everything. I’m also very angry a lot of the time, which manifests in being short with the children and outright nasty to Mark. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve threatened him with divorce for seemingly minor infractions. My love doesn’t seem able to overcome my negativity, and that just brings me down further.

And the worst truth of all, the one I haven’t even said out loud until now and which fills me with shame and even a little terror… is that I don’t know if I love this baby yet.

With Dexter and Daniel, the incredible love I felt was instantaneous as soon as that second little line showed up on the stick. I would have done anything for them, gone through any pain or challenge – indeed, I DID. I didn’t care at all for myself. EVERYTHING I did was about the babies. I kept them safe, did exactly what the doctors told me, worried constantly about them. My love for them was an incredible gift that made me a better person.

But this time around… I don’t think much of the baby. Everything I feel is selfish and focused on my own comfort. I take medicines when I’m feeling unwell – which I NEVER would do unless forced before. I eat soft serve and shell fish and gallons of coffee – which I avoided like the plague in the past. I haven’t even committed to a name for this one, not even giving it much thought. Dexter gave him a name a few months ago, and I haven’t had the strength to argue it.

Hell, I have just had my first appointment with a new OB and I didn’t even try to fight for the care I know I need. The only thing I found out at the appointment is that my fundus is measuring 3 weeks ahead of schedule, lining up with my LMP rather than the date my old OB insisted I have after the 6 week scan.

I’ll make another confession – I think a lot of the problem I’m having committing to this baby is a very specific fear.  I’ve taken after my mom in most things in life – looks, personality, etc. And in the back of my mind, in each of my pregnancies, I have worried and fretted that I would go through what she went through. That a child of mine would die. That he would not make it past the baby stage.  My brother, Jacob, died of SIDS at less than 3 months old, and I’ve grown up thinking of him all my life.

He was the third baby of my parents. This is my third baby. He was a boy, and this will be a boy. As if all of this wasn’t enough, because of the possible change in my due date (I won’t know for sure until this Friday when I have a scan), this baby may be due in mid-October rather than mid-November… Jacob was born October 16th.

I know all of this sounds rather ridiculous, but in my current hormonal state, with everything seemingly acting against me, I can’t help but worry and stress about what could happen. I literally stay up all hours thinking about how to cope if something terrible should happen. And then, I start to fear that my worry is for the wrong one… I think, “What if I am focusing so much on this new baby and keeping him safe and secure that something terrible happens to one of my other children?”

I swear I wake up weeping each morning. I can’t get these terrible thoughts out of my head.

I spoke to the doctor last week about how depressed and anxiety-ridden I’ve been, but she wasn’t interested. She fobbed me off and offered no help or support. Perhaps the new doctor I will see next week will have some advice. For now, I just muddle through, hoping that I will find some excitement soon. I pray that something will spark within me, and I will see that I’ve loved this little boy all along… that life is going to be amazing going forward. I hold on to all the hope that I can muster that this is all just hormones going wrong and not some awful premonition of disaster to come.

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Tuesday 26th of August 2014

i just ran into your blog today at work and realized our due dates are super close! (i am due Nov 15th with my 3rd) I am so sorry you're feeling that way during this pregnancy, but i can understand where you are coming from as well. This was our only "planned" pregnancy.. our two older children are 2 and 3 (just 12 months apart) and will be turning 3 and 4 a few weeks after my due date :) The two of them have been a handful, and this pregnancy has been harder than I imagined it would be. I have been more anxious and had more trouble/complications this time around. I have been working hard to enjoy this pregnancy, but it is so easy to forget with so much going on. We will be moving (it's only about a 10 min drive from where we are now) within the next few weeks and it's almost more than I can handle. The stress of packing for 4 people while preparing for a 5th has been a bit crazy, to say the least. I will be thinking of you in the next couple months. I hope seeing that little boy in your arms helps you be able to see the bigger picture, and just how blessed you are. Stay strong. us moms can handle anything! xoxo

mama syder

Tuesday 26th of August 2014

Such a brave post. I have had four kids and with every one I became more anxious. Totally understandable for you with what your Mum went through. I would imagine as a child you would have picked up on her pain, grief and heartbreak over the loss of your Brother. My Mum lost a baby when I was a child and I swear a lot of my anxieties stem from that time. Sending you a massive hug and please push forward with your doctor or ask to see another one xxx

Rachel AKA Blogging Mummy

Sunday 24th of August 2014

Hun i think your doing amazingly considering everything you have been through the last few weeks. You had a massive move, new house, new place and the house was in an awful state. You have had to do loads and loads of work to the house to get it ready and all that at 20+ weeks pregnant.

Just stay strong for baby and Im sure all this will get better once baby is in your arms

lots of love and hugs xxxx


Saturday 23rd of August 2014

Oh Katie, this makes me feel so sad to read this. Please please don't be so hard on yourself, and please go back to your doctor and demand they take you seriously about your depression! It is not you that does not love your baby, it is your illness. And it is not you that doesn't care, because you do. You are clearly not well, and you have had so much to deal with throughout your entire pregnancy, and before that too. I don't think it helps at all, but I honestly do understand some of what you are feeling. This pregnancy has me feeling very detatched from it all- from being so ill, to now feeling exhausted and anxious and stressed, it is hard to feel the same excitement as before. But don't forget that you before you didn't have 2 small children to care for too. I really hope you can take some time to be kind to yourself and to rest a little. Thinking of you lots x x x

Whitney Fleming

Friday 22nd of August 2014

Two things: First, go see a doctor that will listen to you, and do it soon. Second, you are not alone. I got pregnant with my third when my twins were six months old. I had morning sickness, was exhausted and selfishly just wanted my body back as I had JUST started weaning them. I cried for weeks and months. How could I take care of another baby when I felt like I was just keeping my head above water with this one? We had also just moved, so I didn't have a support system. Despite facing infertility before, I just couldn't believe that this was happening to me. There was not a lot of joy. And then this little baby came out of me, and everything changed. It was different than my twins, but I loved her instantly, and you will too. But please talk to your doctor NOW, as with the hormones you are having and anxiety my guess is you will be at risk for PPD. There is no shame in asking for help to get through this difficult time. You have a lot of reasons to feel anxiety. Hugs to you, deep breaths, and hang in there. You can do this!

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