My husband has a great way of making me feel bad about myself. This morning as I was half naked, getting dressed, he says, “Wow. Your bump is really big.”
Yep. I knew this, and I smiled. “I know,” I said.
He shakes his head in wonder. “No, I mean, it’s like as big as I remember it being at the END of your other pregnancies.”
Less smiley this time, I say, “Yes, I know. I’ve put on more weight. This baby is already measuring farther ahead, and I don’t think it’s going to be the easy exit I’ve had with the others. He’s gonna be HUGE.”
He pauses a moment, then says, “I don’t think it’s the baby. I think you’re just eating a lot more than you have before.”
I stare at him. “… So, you think I’m just fat?”
“No, no!” he says quickly. “It’s just the stress. You’re just eating a lot because you’re stressed with the move.”
The annoying thing is that he’s right. I have been eating more, but it’s because I’m STARVING all the time. I was so sick with Dex and Dan that I put on very little weight with either of them. But this baby, I just want to eat everything. I literally had to get out of bed at midnight the other night to make a quesadilla because I was so hungry I couldn’t sleep.
The truth is that I’ve put on almost ten whole pounds in the last couple of weeks. In my last pregnancy, I only put on 14 lbs the WHOLE PREGNANCY. This one? God, I don’t even want to know. I was on a diet when I found out I was pregnant. So I know my starting weight. When I weighed in at mid-February I was 168.4 lbs. I found out I was pregnant a week later.
Yesterday, at my final doctor’s visit before we move, I weighed in at 190 lbs. I’ve put on 21.6 lbs in five months. I still have another five months to go before I’m due… Traditionally I put on most of my weight in the last few weeks. I’m TERRIFIED.
The last couple of weeks have been brutal because I’ve had awful back pain and have even thrown out my back three different times, resulting in me having to stay in bed for hours or days at a time. Walking has become difficult, and I’ve had a lot of trouble picking the kids up.
I wish I could say it’s all in my bump. That the weight is just congregating around my middle. But it’s not. I have new rolls of fat around my waist, and my back is thicker than its been in years. My legs are disgusting and covered in cellulite.
I feel hideous. I don’t feel like I’m glowing. I don’t feel like this is a beautiful time in my life. I don’t feel like “it’ll all be worth it when the baby comes,” as so many people keep telling me. I mean, of course it’ll be worth anything to deliver a beautiful little boy safely. I’d put up with anything to ensure his health and wellness. But I also need my own health and wellness, and that includes mental health.
I’m in a low place right now, and I don’t know how to make it better.
I guess I am focusing on our future in Utah. Next week we will be installed in our new home, and I will be in walking distance of two big and beautiful parks. I can take the kids on daily walks, and maybe have family walks once Mark is off work each evening. I can get out and play in our back yard, and maybe all the exercise will do me some good.
All I know for now is that my husband had better get his act together and be a little more aware of his words when he sees me naked in the mornings… otherwise he may not get to see me naked for a long long time!