Welcome to the wonderful World of Parenthood, an amusement park unlike any other, where you’ll travel to dizzying new heights and drop to terrifying new lows! Where you’ll experience epic fear and terror while knowing ecstasy and amazement like you’ve never before felt!
There are many different sections in the World of Parenthood, and you will make your way through all of them! The only way out is through, and you may find yourself lost between these lands for decades before you find your way out. But have no fear! There are many different and amazing rides to distract you!
Fear Land is the most popular section of our park, and it features some amazing rides that will push you to your absolute limits of terror.
The Haunted Mansion
The Haunted Mansion is actually a hall of mirrors. You will see yourself from all sides, noticing the new grey hairs, the wrinkles, and the brand new belly you’re sporting! You’ll remember your youth and how life used to be and wonder how it all changed so fast. PLUS – The Haunted Mansion features our very special Room of Regret, where you can think back to all the things you forgot to do before you had kids!
The Drop Tower of Perpetual Terror
Nothing will scare you quite as much as hearing your new baby’s many and varied cries, coughs and sneezes. Your stomach will drop the first time you hear him stop breathing for several seconds and then thrash himself awake. Your heart will be in your throat each time he hits a new milestone – like rolling over… right off the changing table!
The Time Train (It Goes SO Fast!)
You’ll think you’re going crazy when you leave to go to work for the day and come home to find a baby that has grown several inches and has a whole head of hair! But don’t worry! It’s just the Time Train at work. It goes so fast! Blink and you’ve missed it!
Boredom Land is where you will experience the most tedious problems facing modern parents. You’ll likely spend most of your time here, as it’s almost impossible to get through it! It has some epically annoying rides like:
The Ferris Wheel of Chores
It goes round and round forever, never stopping. Just when you think you’re done – the baby is fed, you’ve changed his diaper, he’s had a bath and is ready to sleep, you crest around the top of the wheel, a phone rings or the dog barks, and you head right into free fall where you have to start all over again.
The Lazy River
Of course it’s not all bad. If you manage your time right, by the weekend, you can find yourself on the Lazy River, just sitting back on the couch watching the game and drinking a nice cold root beer. You will ignore the mess of the house, take the phone off the hook, order food off the internet and take five minutes for yourself. Of course, you’ll be holding your child the entire time, but it’s a small price to pay for admission to this ride!
The Bumper Cars of Dodging Responsibility
Everyone knows bumper cars are only fun if there is more than one of you. So jump on in with your spouse and see who can trap the other into a corner and force them to clean up the morning’s Cheerios. Who will be the one to jump in his car and quickly reverse his way out of diaper changing?
Water World encompasses all of our Wet ‘n Wild rides, like:
The Splash Pad of Pee
Can you make it through without getting wet? Will you be able to dodge the stream? Can you run through the fountain without smelling like ammonia? The answer is NO! Get ready to change your clothes because you’re going to get drenched!
The Log (of Poop) Flume
Will it be yellow or will it be green? Will it be hard pellets or watery mush? You’ll be surprised and disgusted at every turn when you ride the Log (of Poop) Flume! Watch as each log travels through the poop chute and right into your lap! You’ll gag and retch and cry your eyes out even before junior starts eating solids!
The Pirate Ship of Projectile Vomit
The first time you get hit with a spray of spew, you might find yourself squinting like Black Beard as the acidic mess catches you right in the eye. But don’t worry – effects are usually temporary. At least until round 2 when you get hit in the OTHER eye! But make sure you clean it up fast because that stuff is slippery, and if you’re not careful, you might slip and fall and give yourself a limp that Peg Leg Pete would be proud of!
It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World
Our Mad World experience can’t be beat! It’s entertaining AND infuriating! Featuring your favorite rides like:
The Rollercoaster of Emotions
This one is especially made for new moms, but dads can ride, too! You’ll experience true excitement as you slowly make your way up the first crest, eyes bright and ready for anything. Then, suddenly, you’re on a downward spiral, screaming your head off and ready to kill! Then it’s back on an even keel for a tiny bit before you are launched into the stratosphere of epic happiness! But you’ll come crashing back to anger, sadness, fear and hatred in no time at all before it’s back to wonder and amazement. What are you waiting for?!
The Carousel of Screaming Babies
Nothing says parenthood like being able to block out the sounds of your own child’s crying. You’ll become a pro at dealing with his many and varied screams of indignance. You’ll know when the cry is one of pain, hunger or discomfort, and you’ll be able to ignore the ones that mean he’s overtired or just testing his own voice. But the sounds of other people’s crying babies will still drive you to the breaking point. You’ll become judge, jury and executioner on all other parents, wondering to yourself why they seem to be ignoring their children. Can’t they hear the screaming?! You’ll be so focused on how annoying their kids are, you won’t even notice your own has been raging for at least ten minutes because he wants the blue cup instead of the red one.
The Fun House of Sleep Deprivation
Grab the caffeinated beverage of your choice and head on in to our Fun House! But don’t trust anything you see because there’s every possibility it’s all in your head! You might see pink elephants on parade! Or you might think you hear your baby crying. You might notice that you’ve put a diaper on backwards or dressed him in polka dots mixed with plaid! Don’t worry! All is forgiven when you’re in the Fun House of Sleep Deprivation!
You’re going to love the World of Parenthood. There are free concerts every night! Usually just about the time when you’re about to fall asleep, you’ll be blasted awake with the best Screamin’ Metal you’ve ever heard! And there are some fantastic midway games to play. Like scooping baby food into the tiny, constantly closing baby mouth! Or anticipating which burps lead to spit up and which ones will leave you drenched in baby sick! It’s fun for the whole family!
Just know this. Friends and family (with or without kids) are always welcome to come and play along with you. While the rides are mostly for parents, there’s lots of areas to rest and eat and let someone else have a turn.
You’re going to love this particular amusement park. While some of the rides can be scary, they always take you to places you don’t expect. All of the emotions you thought you knew will be stretched farther than you can imagine, and you’ll find that you’re grateful for every experience.
Good luck to you. Like the Hotel California, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!
For more fun, check out my “Mom Words” video.