So right now, I’m aware that no one actually reads this blog. Which is actually good, as if I had any amount of followers, I’d feel really guilty about the fact that I haven’t updated in weeks! But the truth is that I’m awfully disappointed anyway. I feel like I’m letting myself down by not documenting the major changes in body, mind and spirit throughout this pregnancy.
The truth be told, it’s not everything I thought it would be… I find that the so-called “Joys of Pregnancy” have eluded me for the most part. And while I can’t help but laugh and grin every time my precious son kicks, punches or rolls around in my belly (especially now that Mark and I can both touch AND see the movements), I often feel overwhelmed with more negative emotions.
No one warned me what this was going to be like. I didn’t know there would be constant pain, discomfort, insomnia, emotional turmoil and fear. I have felt true heartbreak at points, and in my darkest hours I’ve cut off my emotions to the point that I was able to entertain thoughts of death… both for me and my unborn child. It chills me to the bone to even be able to write that…. But I write it anyway, because I personally need to know that when I come through this and out the other side, I will be able to say that I made it through some truly horrific experiences… and it was all worth it. And I also write it because… I think it would make me feel better if I stumbled across someone else’s blog and realised they’d had the same terrible thoughts as I had.
In truth, I know that I am not a danger to myself or to my son. Though I suffer dark thoughts at times, the overwhelming feelings I have most of the time are of love and affection for the little nudger inside of me. I look forward whole-heartedly to the day I finally get to meet him and know that I carried him inside of me, moulded him into a true little person and brought him into the world all by myself.
So for me, for my son, and for posterity, I will be updating this blog far more regularly. It would be difficult to catch up on everything I’ve missed out on chronicling, but I’ve still got a precious 11 weeks left before David is due, and that’s a lot of time to write out my thoughts and feelings.
Stay tuned, I guess!