Motherhood is full of ridiculous scenarios you never imagined you’d find yourself in. You never would have know just how many times you would have to remind your boys that their penis stays INSIDE their pants or how many times you’ll remind your daughter that she doesn’t HAVE to tell every stranger, “My mom really likes wine.”
Emotions run high when you’re a mom. You may find yourself crying at TV commercials about toilet paper or laugh hysterically when you hear a good poop joke you can share with your kids. Or, if you are like me, you’ll be watching Lady Gaga’s halftime show and imagine yourself making every move. Not because you’re dancing, obviously… but because you can imagine yourself dealing with your own “little monsters.”
There’s nothing like when you see those two pink lines on your pregnancy test, is there? It’s like the angels are smiling down on you, and you can hit every high note in the Hallelujah Chorus.
And then you have your baby, and you suddenly feel like the queen of everything. YOU are THE mom. You have created LIFE!
Spit up doesn’t phase you. Dirty diapers don’t phase you. You have this shit HANDLED. You are the boss mom who will deal with anything your kid can throw at you. Even creamed spinach.
But then, somewhere down the line, things change… Your child becomes possessed by a demon, and you suddenly realize that motherhood isn’t all sunshine and roses. There’s nothing like when your child melts down. The so-called Terrible Twos are terribly misnamed – this shit goes on for YEARS.
Then you suddenly have to figure out your Mean Mom Face. It’s what we have to put on when our kids just aren’t listening to us, and we need to put a little fear into them. OR, more likely, it’s the face we have to make when they’re doing something naughty, but it’s SO FREAKIN’ FUNNY that we can’t stop laughing… which makes them do it more! MMF will remind them that you are still the boss.
Speaking of mean mom face, we’ve all blown our tops a time or two. Like that day they didn’t stop screaming for six hours straight, there were three diaper blowouts, two kids puked and your husband came home from work, looked around at the mess and asked, “What’s for dinner?”
And don’t you just love how independent you’ve become since having kids? You know you can’t count on anyone else to help you out, so you become super efficient at doing things yourself.
Moms know the singular fear when trying to get out of your kid’s room without them waking up. And the singular pain of stepping on one of their toys in your bare feet as you leave…
And have you ever been for a play date with a new family, and you realize way too late that the kid is a little shit? And the other mom isn’t paying attention at all! Or she’s just plain ignoring the fact that her five year old keeps pinching your three year old and has hit him in the face with a My Little Pony twice. And when you politely suggest that maybe her kid could stop being a pain the ass, she has the nerve to look all offended! So you the opportunity to let her know that her LuLaRoe’s are hideous and that she’s had spinach in her teeth all day. HANDLED.
And then there are the times when the house suddenly gets a little too quiet… And your mom sense starts tingling, and you just KNOW something big is going down. So you sneak around the house until you finally come upon the scene of your two older children painting the baby with sparkly nail polish “as a surprise for mommy!”
Of course, motherhood has its good sides, too, of course. Like, how great do we feel when our picky eater suddenly eats a random vegetable? We deserve the Best Mom in the World award, right? Of course! Celebrate the hell out of that, because you KNOW that tomorrow he’ll claim that carrots taste like poop.
And how awesome is that feeling when you get to do something awesome for your kids? Like when you surprise them with a trip to Disneyland. Or say “yes” when they ask if they can have cookie butter instead of peanut butter for dinner.
Perhaps the best part of motherhood, though, is when the kids FINALLY go to bed. It’s taken you three hours and forty two minutes to get them to sleep, but damn it, they’re there, and you have exactly seven minutes to enjoy the silence before the first one wakes up needing a drink.
Having kids is the absolutely best. Now go check on them, and make sure they haven’t found your new lipstick.
Can you relate? What’s your favorite??