Personal Ad from A New Baby

Here’s a bit of humor to brighten up your day. An imagined personal ad from a new baby. How cute would this be as a birth announcement or a baby shower invitation?

I wrote this when I was up at 3 AM comforting my child, and I started thinking, “Babies make the worst roommates!” Then I started imagining how they might sell themselves in a classified ad. I sure wouldn’t be contacting them, that’s for sure!

What would YOUR baby’s ad sound like?

Classified Ad from a New Baby - How cute would this be as a birth announcement or a baby shower invitation?!

And just in case you can’t read it very well, here’s the full ad:

Seeking fun couple for long-term living arrangement

I’m about to be kicked out of the place I’ve been staying for the last nine months, as the owner is keen to have the space back. It’s got a bit cramped there lately anyway. I find it hard to practice my karate.

I am searching out someone of outstanding character who is ready to welcome me with open arms. You must be tolerant of late night drinking sessions, as I can’t fall asleep without a bottle in my hand. I write songs in my head, and I often belt them out at all hours of the day and night.

You must be comfortable with nudity, as I much prefer being without clothes most of the time. You should also be comfortable with bodily fluids. I have an uncontrollable need to pee and poop which can come on at any time. I also vomit when I drink too much (which is often).

You must be comfortable helping me into and out of a bath. I fall over a lot and require supervision.

You should be willing and able to drive – or at least find a way to get me from point A to point B. I like to visit relatives, but I’m unable to drive due to being too short to reach the pedals.

I expect you to cook and clean for me, as I have no time nor inclination to do it, myself. I have very specific dietary requirements, and I tend to lose my temper if things aren’t prepared exactly as I like them. I also expect you to arrange my schedule. You will be in charge of my day to day activities, ensuring I get to every appointment on time.

I require constant entertainment, so skilled actors, dancers and singers are a plus. I am willing to accept those with large flat-screen TVs in lieu of actual talent.

You need to have a decent income, as I expect a large proportion of your money to be spent on me. I won’t be paying rent, but I will earn my keep in cuddles. But only when I feel like it.

If you’re into toys, that’s a bonus.

If you feel that you can handle all of this, I urge you to get in touch. We can try it out for 18 years or so and see how we get on. After that, we can roll over to a month to month contract. I look forward to meeting you.

By the way – I’ll be bringing my twin.



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Katie Reed

Katie Reed

Katie Reed is a 38 year old mom blogger from Salt Lake City, UT. She is married to the man of her dreams and together they have four beautiful boys. Dexter is 9, Daniel is 7, Chester is 5 and Wilder is 2. She writes about living with mental health issues while navigating motherhood. Her blog focuses on tips and tricks for moms, information and parenting news, kid-friendly recipes and crafts. She loves to reflect on the humorous side of parenthood and shares the reality of her life, with a "warts and all" attitude.

15 Responses

  1. This is too cute! I was cracking up the whole time.. Definitely brightened my day! 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

  2. I can identify as my son is only 3 and some of the memories are still fresh! Very funny ad. I would imagine if it’s for my 3 year old child, a few of the requirements would be “patience of a saint, “energy of a carnival clown” and “endurance of an ultra marathoner”!

  3. This is most likely the best personal add I’ve ever come across! I love how becoming a parent changes nearly every aspect of how we view things. xoxoxo

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