Picture this. You’ve just had a(nother) baby and you’re just about recovered from the terror of childbirth. Your body is your own again (aside from 23 hours a day of breastfeeding, of course), and you are ready to get back to the gym. Of course, going to the gym is kind of hard with a baby, so you decide, “Eff it. Imma get fit at home!”
Not wanting to do too much too fast, you decide that the natural thing is to try out yoga for the first time. It’s supposedly very gentle and can be very helpful for those who for whatever reason (like… I dunno… carrying a giant baby around for nine months) are a bit sore and out of shape.
But where to start? How does one “do” yoga, exactly? Never fear! I am completely unqualified to teach you, but I’m going to do so anyway! Here is your step by step guide to starting yoga at home! Trust me! I’m a mom!
Make sure you hit up Tar-jay to find especially cute workout clothes. Everyone knows that you can’t work out properly unless you are wearing a t-shirt with some sort of fandom or inside joke. God forbid you wear your husband’s old oversize hoodie and your stained sweats that only make an appearance on high-bloat days. Yoga is serious business, and you need to be extra cute to do it right.
Once you are sure you look adorable, grab your phone and take a selfie. This is a very important step because you need to post your selfie on Facebook BEFORE you commence the workout. If you don’t post your workouts on social media, they don’t count. To burn extra calories, post that shit on Twitter and Instagram, too.
Clear your space, and find a workout video to follow. Make sure it’s not TOO long. You’re a mom – time is precious. Twenty to twenty five minutes is perfect. Fifteen minutes is even better. Ten minutes is best of all. Just make sure it is no longer than five minutes, and you’re golden. Queue it up, make sure the kids are sleeping or happily distracted, and get to it. You got this, mama!
Stretch. All good workouts require good stretches first. Limber up, and let your body prepare for what’s to come. And hey – if your shirt rides up and your belly hangs out, it’s all good. There’s no one around to see you except your baby, and he’s not going to judge. Have you seen his bald spot lately? Yah, he has no room to talk!
Pose! Enjoy the feeling that you are a master yogi. No one is quite as awesome as you are. Yoga is your calling. You are beautiful and statuesque. You may have no idea what these poses are called, but look how beautifully you do them! Feel free to name them yourself. This one is “grinding on the old dude at the club.” This one is “I am a human stick.” My favorite is “surfing on the shopping cart at Costco.”
Admire your flexibility. Did you see how well you did that last lunge? You got your knee within 20 inches of the floor! You are a goddess. You are Kate Hudson in a commercial for Fabletics! You are Gwyneth holding a jade egg in her vagina! You are powerful and strong and doing a great job!
Try not to think about how your ass looks when you’re attempting downward dog. I mean, you have a baby. You basically get a free pass on a flabby ass. Just wear an extra panty-liner to catch any accidental pee that escapes because lord knows you didn’t do enough kegels when you were pregnant. But relax. Again – the only one there to judge is your little one, and he pees and poops himself on the reg. Just go with it. You are still a goddess.
Okay, so the baby is crying. That is okay. You’re only two minutes into your routine. Pick him up and let him join in. I mean, how amazing are you?? You can do yoga WITH a baby in your arms and still look super fierce. Suck it, Kate Hudson.
Alright, so holding a baby isn’t going so well. You are kind of wobbly, the baby has suddenly gained forty pounds and there’s no way you can do downward dog without dropping him on his head. Your squats look more like you’re trying to take a dump in the woods. And now your boobs are leaking milk because the baby is crying out in judgement of your crappy warrior pose.
Let’s face it. You made it four and a half minutes before having to give up and have a nice latte. That’s about three minutes longer than you expected you’d last, so I call it a success! Congratulations, mom! You are a yoga master! Come back tomorrow for the next installment when we try eight minutes of HIIT with all four kids at home!